Parents Matter!
Avoiding the Pampered Child Syndrome: Three Strategies That Work
Teachers recognize them in their classrooms; professionals encounter them in their
offices; parents live with them in their homes: CHILDREN…
who are given everything, but constantly demand more;
who believe that they are entitled to the same rights as adults, but are not ready to
accept grown-up responsibilities;
who are loved, nurtured and protected, yet are unhappy, anxious or angry; and
who are increasingly being diagnosed with emotional, behavioral or other major
psychiatric disorders.
We live in a child-centered society where children’s wants and demands are
increasingly being given priority over marital or family harmony, financial
considerations, parental sanity, common courtesy, quiet enjoyment, respect and
common sense. With the encouragement of the media, advertisers and those
professionals who recommend child-driven parenting practices, some children are
being empowered to the point where parents feel helpless and ineffective. Many can
no longer guarantee their children the basis building blocks of physical and mental
health—sleep, nutrition, exercise, fresh air—not because they do not understand their
importance, or have the ability to provide for them. Rather, they hesitate because the
child does not agree, or because they are afraid of damaging a child’s “self-esteem,”
or because they have been led to believe that imposing anything on children that
children do not want to do or that makes children unhappy or uncomfortable is
tantamount to abuse.
These well-intentioned parents are catering to their children’s every whim and are
actively avoiding or even resisting, their responsibilities as parents to say “no,” to set
limits, to engender a sense of responsibility, and to teach morals, ethics, values, and
the importance of family and community. These children are not learning active or
creative problem-solving strategies, or how to be resilient and responsible, or how to
build up a range of internal resources to manage stress, loss, failure or
disappointment. In a word, they are growing up pampered.
In the current climate, it is politically incorrect to suggest that we parents may have
something to do with how our children behave, because this is “blaming” us, and this
makes us feel guiltier than we do already. There is little question that raising children
is a two-way street. We do certain things: a child responds in a certain way. If we like
the way a child responds, we may do the same thing the same way again. We may or
may not get the same response from the child a second time. Given that our children
are all different from each other, and respond in different ways to exactly the same
situations, it is simplistic, naïve, and just plain wrong, to assume that there is one, and
only one, right way to parent—or that there is a definitive list of strategies that will
always work.
The one thing that is clear is that, as loved and trusted authority figures, parents have
an obligation to make the decisions that will guide our children, socialize them, and
eventually teach them to be independently functioning adults. If we don’t, no one else
will.
1. Say what we mean—and mean what we say
If I say I will do something and I do, or I say I will not and I don’t, you can trust me.
If I keep saying I’m going to do something, yet I never do it, you will not only not
trust me, but I will also have no credibility, and you will start to ignore everything that
I say. It is interesting that parents and teachers who do not implement this strategy
wonder why the children in their care are always challenging them and trying to
change their minds.
2. Use nonverbal behavior management strategies
How many times do we say: “I’ve told her again and again, but she never does
anything I ask?” There is a wonderful cartoon by Lynn Johnston entitled If this is a
lecture, how long will it be? that depicts her teenaged son rolling his eyes and
yawning as she is flapping her lips at him. Children swiftly become immune to our
verbalizations, but we often take a remarkably long time to recognize this.
Nonverbal behavior management consists of doing something, rather than talking
about it. Silently removing a child’s plate at the end of a reasonable time for a meal
speaks more volumes than nagging him to hurry up. Unplugging a telephone, serving
a meal only after the dog has been fed, turning on the ignition only when seatbelts are
fastened, flushing cigarettes, and other similar actions, are far more memorable than
endless lectures.
3. Decide what we want to teach and teach it
Paying attention to undesirable behaviors tend to encourage them to continue rather
than to extinguish. It is critical to decide what it is we want to teach our children to
do, and then to state it in positive terms.
Pampered children usually need to be taught to become appropriately
independent, and to take responsibility for their choices and actions. They also do not
like to be told what to do. An effective strategy involves a list of accomplishments,
each constructed as an “I” statement, that is owned by the child. We can even
incorporate the child’s feelings into the list to teach them that sometimes we have to
do things we would prefer not to. It is best to choose a few simple, concrete behaviors
that, once taught, will effect positive change in a number of areas. For example:
I completed my homework myself, without being reminded.
Even though I didn’t want to, I switched off the TV when I was asked.
I used my polite voice, even though I was angry and upset.
Once all items are checked off, the child can approach an adult—parent or teacher—
for validation and simple reinforcement. “Good job,” You must be proud of yourself,”
“Why don’t you go and show Dad?” are sufficient. The rest of the child’s life can then
continue as planned and expected. Killing the fatted calf can wait for more
monumental accomplishments than simply doing what is required.
___________________
Dr. Maggie Mamen is a clinical psychologist and the author of The Pampered Child
Syndrome: How to Recognize It, How to Manage It, and How to Avoid It (Creative
Bound Inc., $24.95 CAN, 1-800-287-8610 or www.pamperedchildsyndrome.ca).
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